DAY 7

“And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the grass, and took the five loaves, and the two fishes, and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.”
-Matthew 14:19

So, today’s “Light the World” initiative was focused on feeding the hungry. My wife is a saint and is pretty good at doing things like giving money and canned food to whatever causes are being pushed. Since she always has our family involved in things like that, we decided to focus on spiritual nourishment instead.

In an address delivered almost ten years ago, Jeffery R. Holland said,

“Those who will receive the Lord Jesus Christ as the source of their salvation will always lie down in green pastures, no matter how barren and bleak the winter has been. And the waters of their refreshment will always be still waters, no matter how turbulent the storms of life. In walking His path of righteousness, our souls will be forever restored; and though that path may for us, as it did for Him, lead through the very valley of the shadow of death, yet we will fear no evil.”

As I thought about completing today’s initiative, I wondered who I knew that I could share some nourishment with. Moreover, I wondered if I even had anything to offer anyone.

What I finally decided to say didn’t even come to me until about 6:30 pm this evening while I was attending the musical, “The Forgotten Carols” with my wife.

Anyone who knows me, or who has talked to me for even five minutes, can tell that musicals and plays are not my thing. I am not the fine arts type. But my wife is. She loves that kind of stuff, and since I love her, I willingly subjugate myself to it.

Anyways, this year is apparently the 25th anniversary of the Forgotten Carols, so after the show, Michael McLean came out and spoke with the audience and expressed his love and appreciation for us. It was a sweet moment (once again, I’m really not the musical theater type, so the fact that I am acknowledging the tenderness of the moment is major progress for me). Mr. McLean asked us to think about a person who was not with us, someone we wished was there, and sing a line of the song, “We Can Be Together,” all together. He said it could be someone waiting for us at home, someone who lived thousands of miles away, or even someone who had passed on. I immediately knew Summer would be thinking of her best friend, her late G-Mamma Busby. I initially thought of my girls, but then my mind did something unexpected: I thought of someone who I’ve never met.

When I thought about someone who I wished was there, I thought of this girl named Brittany.

Brittany is the daughter of one of my friends. Brittany passed away four years ago at just fourteen years of age. I didn’t meet her family until just a few months ago. I really don’t even know her family that well.

As Summer and I sat there in that theater, singing with hundreds of strangers about how we will all be together again one day (once again, I cannot stress how uncharacteristic that was for me), I thought about this girl that I’ve never met and the joy that her family will feel when they are reunited.

Losing a child is my worst nightmare. I’ve written about the heartache I felt when we miscarried our first baby, but that feeling could never compare to losing a child that you actually got to know and love and care for. A child that you held. A child that you comforted.

The memories of that miscarriage still haunts me each day. The feelings I felt while grieving for that baby made me question everything about my faith. In all honesty, they still do. Every few months when my plans get changed by an external force or things aren’t going the way I believe they should, doubts creep back in my mind. And those doubts are often accompanied by the lonely, forgotten feelings I had when we found out our baby wasn’t coming.

Brittany’s family knows more about heartache and grief than I hope I ever have to know. They have every right to roll their eyes whenever someone tries to empathize with them. But as I sat there singing, slightly uncomfortable, in that theater, I thought maybe Brittany’s family wouldn’t mind if I offered some spiritual nourishment. So here it is.

I don’t have a rock-solid testimony. I have more doubts and concerns than I am proud to admit. I struggle with the culture of my church. As a child I struggled to make friends with other kids in my church, and now that I’m an adult I still can’t seem to keep a Mormon friend. Every month my wife has to pay our tithing because it is something that is always hard for me to do. I question the inspiration that my local leaders receive on my behalf. And the list goes on and on. There were even a few weeks when the only reason I went to church was because I didn’t want to find a sub for my Sunday School class. Like I said, this is nothing I am proud of. It’s just where I’m at spiritually.

But with all that being said, there is one thing I do know with absolutely no doubt: Families are of God and we have the divine opportunity to be with them forever. The knowledge that I get to be with my sweet wife, my beautiful girls, and even that baby we miscarried, is all I need to keep me going.

I realize that I may live with my doubts and concerns for most of my life. I hope I find the answers I’m looking for and that I can gain a testimony of those things, but I may never get there.

And that’s okay.

If my personal faith crises have taught me anything, it’s that there is nothing wrong with having doubts. There is nothing wrong with having questions. Even if I don’t understand or believe a certain commandment, the fact that I am obeying it is enough. I don’t believe God will punish me for having doubts or only begrudgingly following a commandment, but instead I believe He will rejoice in the simple fact that I followed Him.

At the end of the day, following the teachings of this church and doing my best to keep God’s commandments, even if I don’t do it in the “right” spirit, are making me a better person. These things are continually inspiring me to be better than I really am. And that is what I need to be worthy to live with my beautiful family forever.

I experienced a sacred moment in the strangest way tonight. Because of Michael McLean and a girl I will never meet in this life, I felt the Spirit. As I wrote this blog post, I hoped that it would in some way be nourishing to Brittany’s family, but it is just now that I realize I was the one being spiritually nourished.

So, thank you, Brittany and Mr. McLean. But I will not sing in public again…at least until next year’s tour.